Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.