Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.