Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Dumple
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.