Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
weird email i got today
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
💀💀
