I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.