Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Wednesday
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.