I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child