QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*ernest hemingway voice*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you