Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.