My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Duck typos.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.