husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”