I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Wednesday
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally