Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.