You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
There is no try. There is only give up.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas