I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The photographer’s assistant
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.