When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.