Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
me opening up to someone
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then