don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
GM✌🏻
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
