*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A magicianâs assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I canât think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! đ
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the âinside of a pancakeâ
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*cough*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, âgotcha.â
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend âWhatâs the farthest youâve ever gone in an Uber?â and her friend replied âBurbank.â and Iâm convinced even Mel Brooks couldnât have written a better setup and punchline.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If snakes were wide
If a snake ate a cake
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*