You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk