People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am