*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe