All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’m having an out of money experience.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.