Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born