Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
#Caturday
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Not even remotely sorry.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.