me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
🙋♀️
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey