It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.