Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.