see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.
Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi
Stop blaming yourself for everything. Learn Feng Shui and blame the fucking furniture