whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.