Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
I need a long hot meteor shower
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
About to form my very first opinion
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek