I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.