Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory