Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.