I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.