Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”