Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.