I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me