My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.