I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.