Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”