Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
also my go-to takeaway order
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball