[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat