*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.