One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.