The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Not my job 😂
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m tired tomorrow.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is