Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill