Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Selfie
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.