Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea