I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Be the reason someone burns sage.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
as the prophecy foretold
