I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Good morning
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does