no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
😭😭😭
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.