Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT